Put A Lid On It
by Adam Magnusson
16 September 2004
Fall comes slowly these days, but maybe that is because a warm streak has hit CA. Time seems to slow down in the heat, making the blessings and colours of fall all the longer in getting here. Our body clocks tell us different. Mine does, at least. Maybe it’s only ESPN and Sports Illustrated and its endless barrage of polls and info and the breakdown of the wonderful NCAA and NFL football seasons.
This is my Christmas.
This is my birthday gift.
Football is back.
Gad and Jebus does it feel good to type that. Fantasy Leagues and the debates on Mondays about this game or that. Stats. Info. Oh, glorious day!
I, myself, watch both college and pro ball, but I live and die by one team; The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. A win on Saturday makes the weekend. A loss drags it down a bit. On those magical Saturdays, for a few hours in front of my TV or radio, I think I actually bleed Blue and Gold.
So, the rituals begin. I go off to find the new season of ND hats to wear proudly and show everyone who my team is. This year, however, I bumped into problems. In the last year, hats have gotten complicated. Like razors, I am wounded and confused by this. When did this happen and what does it mean?
First, I go off to my local mall to go to my local Hat Shoppe. I even have their fun little discount card. Save bucks and getting a new hat to show the world that, in my opinion, the Fightin’ Irish rule all. Well, I arrive at the mall and walk in and down the way a bit to the hat store.
I will not tell you good people the name of said store, because I generally think that they do good business and I hope they will again, but to protect this store and its good name, I will just refer to it as hat store. Imagine a Lids, or HatWorld, or HatLand, or one of those. Baseball caps and the like… Mine is called, hat store for this piece.
In I walk and I am greeted with apathy and confusion by the urban young man working in hat store. His counterpart, a dizzy little Latina, in equally clueless. Then the fun begins. I ask for ND hats. They have two. Two! Ya got that? Two. Norte Dame, one of the best known colleges in the WORLD, and hat store carries only two caps. So, I ask, “Oh, will you be getting the new styles in soon?”
Vacant stares. Swear to God, just blank stares. I could have spoken in tongues and gotten more of a reaction. You would have thought I said, “Talk again and I will kill you,” while pulling out an obnoxiously large handgun. That was the look I got. No, because it was missing the fear and terror. So, I start to repeat myself, thinking that maybe I hadn’t spoken out loud, but only in my head. Counter Boy, the Urban Wonder, cuts me off with a very explanative, “Ummm… NO!” Other Girl, Counter Boys slightly less talented side kick offers up her two cents at this, “We have other hats.”
Oh good, “other hats”. Since I have no eyes and had to take your word for the ND thing and couldn’t see all the hats on the walls and tables, I’m glad that there are more than two hats in this store. “Thanks,” I say, “I’ll just look around.”
Browse I do. I can check online and order the hat. Mayhap I can even go to hat store’s web site and still use my card of savings. While I am here, though, why not look. The new NFL hats are out. MLB is on clearance. NBA is trickling in. NCAA is in full force.
So, I pick up an all black hat. Why this one? Because I had no idea what team it was for. I was standing in front of it and I had no idea. So, I pick it up. It’s a Cincinnati Bengals hat. This is when my two new friends come to the rescue. As I pick up this hat, they ask where I live. My turn to vacant stares at them. So, they repeat, in stereo for my benefit and I tell them, Mountain View. They say ok and go back to their tasks.
“Ummm, pardon, but I am wondering why you both wanted to know where I live! Is this some sort of hat store survey?”
Counter Boy comes to the rescue, “No, I just don’t think you look like you need trouble and in the wrong area, that hat could be trouble.”
It’s a Bengals hat… Isn’t that troubling enough? Curiosity gets the better of me and so I ask, “Oh, and how is that?”
I get the run down. Tilting and all that is still in, but gangs have now taken to representing colours and teams. No tilt to the cap, none of that, just the colour and team. Three of the strongest gangs in the Bay Area of CA will beat and strip people for simply being fans of the Packers, the Bengals, or the Denver Nuggests. I guess other gangs will do this as well, beating and striping people, but it started with three gangs. But what about the black on black hat, I wonder? Oh, that’s an automatic no-no, I am informed. That isn’t misrepresenting the gang. That is dissin’ them by NOT representing the colour and team. Ah, but the rules go on. All hats with Chinese characters on them are a no-no, unless I’m Asian, Latino, or under 10 years old. Latino? Ummm… do many Latinos speak Chinese? Why Latinos? I was not sufficiently informed.
OK, so certain teams are out, no new ND hats and the two they have are those elastic band kind, and those aren’t comfourtable on me, so that’s a pass. So, what are my options, because my hat is getting funky and in need of replacing.
Well, I am a baseball fan, so, how about a MLB hat to replace ND. I can represent my home town and the Milwaukee Brewers. I mean, the Pack I can understand. Good for 10 years strait, Super Bowl win, Brett Favre… makes sense, almost, that gang bangers would attach to this. The Brewers, I figured, would be as safe as safe can be. In fact, I don’t even think they qualify as a major league team, I think they are more like the team from the movie, Major League. Oh, but I was wrong. I pick up the hat and what does Counter Boy say? “Oh, you a fan of Mace?” Right about then, I wanted to mace said individuals and be on my way. Frustrated, I just wanted a hat. Tampa Bay Buccaneers? They had those, but the new style that they had in were the old skool mesh back, plastic closure, cheesy truck driver style hats that Ashton Kutcher made popular. Hey, thanks for that CHRIS. Because this retard from That 70’s Show wants to look like a dirty trucker, now that’s the fashion.
I JUST WANT A HAT. Is that to much to ask?
OK, last try before I go on a killing spree. Oakland A’s. I’ll cheer on the A’s. In fact, they are my hometown, kind of, team. I am in the Bay, Oakland is in the Bay, see. That works. So, I ask. I don’t just find an A’s hat, but I ask if that hat is safe to wear (when did we get to that point?) and Counter Boy ignores me, but Other Girl chimes in, “Yeah, the A’s a good… right?” Big help, dolly, thanks. So, screw it, I get the hat. Counter Boy, keeper of knowledge and gang affiliations, says nothing as I purchase my green and white A’s hat with yellow lettering.
So, frustrated, but happy, I doff my new cap and out into the world I go. Getting home I heat up the computer to go to hat store’s web page and find the Notre Dame hat I want. I go to purchase it and it won’t accept my discount card. OK, so it can wait a day or two. I email customer support about there checkout not accepting my discount card. The response is long and confusing and requires me to register online, wait 48 hours, and then call an 800 number to verify. After I verify my card, I will be given a coupon code which I can use online to purchase one hat. For multiple hats, I need to register multiple times.
OK, so why is the field for card number in your check out section if it can’t be used? When I reply to email and ask this question, I am told that they are sorry for the inconvenience, but my support and input is appreciated. Please shop again. Wait, was that an answer? That’s a negative, Ghost Rider.
So, hopefully things will change by this time next year, otherwise I may just go out and get myself a nice bowler or cowboy hat and start wearing that. I wonder if rodeo clowns will kick my ass for misrepresenting the cowboy way of life. I’ll get a bowler, only to find that old men and retro types will beat me down for misrepresenting their way of life.
It’s a freakin’ hat.
Oh, and the good news in all of this is that I live on the west side of the Bay, so I get mocked for my A’s hat, as I’m in SF Giant land. Because the Giants and A’s are in the same league? Nope. Just because rabid fans and gang bangers and incompetent web site creators make it hard for me to get a hat without worrying about whom I may or may not represent. All this because I am a Norte Dame Fighting Irish fan. I just wanted a hat.
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