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A commentary by Albert Einstein regarding the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

Thank you for asking me to come here to discuss this most important law of our universe. You see, it is a privilege to be here, and I am honored that you would find me worthy of such a role. You might not think that I would be a good guest speaker for this topic, unless you have read my thesis Consequences for the Constitution of Radiation Following from the Energy Distribution Law of Black Bodies, which was good enough for the dean at the University of Bern in 1908 to offer me a teaching position. But, as they say, not everybody can be the dean of the University of Bern. Even if you haven’t read my thesis, I have come up with a couple of other theories, such as the general theory of relativity, or my Nobel Prize winning research on the photoelectric effect, which may lend credibility.

Anyway, let’s discuss this second law of thermodynamics, shall we? Ah, yes, it is a good law. To start, let me say that it reminds me of something that has been bothering me for awhile. For years I’ve heard, time and time again, that a tomato is a fruit. I’m not really sure what the distinction between a fruit and vegetable is, since I’m more of a math man, but it must be somewhat trivial. I’ve heard that it’s the seeds on the inside, or some such nonsense (both oranges [fruit] and pumpkins [vegetable] have the seeds on the inside). Maybe it’s the way the seeds are arranged, if they even are the separating feature. Well, whatever it is, it doesn’t hold water. One can say that Pluto is or isn’t a planet based on certain qualities it has (or doesn’t have). Also, one could say that The Three Amigos is a comedy based on the fact that it looks like the actors are truly trying to be funny, or conversely that it is not because it has gathered dust in the comedy section of Blockbuster for the last ten years. The gist here is that you can get facts to tell you what you want them to tell you, but pointing to the facts doesn’t necessarily make it so.

The tomato is not a fruit. It is a vegetable.

I’ll back this up. Now, for the sake of those out there without botanical knowledge, a little of which I myself have picked up from some colleagues from Göttingen, I’ll dispense with the science. Instead, I’ll take the common sense approach and pose this fairly nonscientific question:

Would you put a tomato on a sundae?

Yes, the age-old tomato question can be answered with what I have just now dubbed Einstein’s “Theory of Fruitivity.” I’ll repeat, would you put a tomato on your sundae?

No? Geez, I can’t think why.

Maybe it’s because a tomato isn’t really a fruit. See, I’m onto something, even if my old comrades at the University of Zurich didn’t think so.

What, you ask? Why must you be able to put it on a sundae? Why not go with the decades of botanical studies done in every state college across this tomato-loving nation? Simple. A tomato must be a vegetable because common sense says so. Tomatoes are meant to be savored with salt and pepper (very non-fruity condiments to be sure), or tossed in salads, or thinly sliced and placed on tuna salad sandwiches. They are never, ever put in the normal fruity places. Come on, this isn’t time-travel, or trying to theorize the principle of equivalence.

Tomato-flavored gum? No. But there are flavors of gum from just about every major fruit. The amazing technicolored striped zebra will pass on this one.

Tomato candy? Yum, pass those tomato-rific Good and Fruities!

Any tomato-based desserts out there? Not if you’re not on a diet, there aren’t.

Tomato sodas? Tomato-scented markers? Gelled tomato ice cream topping? Perfume scent? On cereal? Have you ever seen the picture of Mikey on the box, gulping down spoonful after spoonful of cherry-tomato-laden Life?

No to all of those.

So, I ask you this: put away your T encyclopedia. Stow away all of your arguments for tomato fruithood. Go with your gut feeling. Tomatoes are a vegetable, will be a vegetable, and always have been a vegetable, so help me God.
What, you ask? What about the Second Law of Thermodynamics? Ah, well, if you insist. It’s a good law. I’m all in favor of it.

Thank you.

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