A Fictional Conversation
From the Stolen Transcript of
Cheryl Crow's Cell Phone:

by Tom Spendlove
14 March 2004

“Hello”

Sheryl?

“Yes….?”

This is Cat

“Who?”

Cat Stevens

“Um, don’t you mean Yusuf Islam?”

Haha – oh…. that. That was just some crap we made up for VH1’s Behind the Music – you can just call me Cat – or ‘el gato’, if you’re feeling spicy.

“Yeah, ok, Cat. To ask in the politest way I know how, why are you calling me?”
I want you to remake one of my songs.

“Wow, really? I don’t know what to say – obviously I’m honored. I’ve always loved Peace Train and I’d love to do it.”

No, no, geez. Are you kidding? Once Dolly Parton and 10,000 Maniacs cover the same song, you’re not allowed to ever go back and touch it. It’s one of my special rules. It’s like how they don’t build any more nuclear reactors at Chernobyl.

“Alright, then I’ll do whatever you want.”

I’m thinking The First Cut is the Deepest – honestly, almost all of my songs have been covered up one side and down the other, and there’s this great techno-ish dance band called Papa Dee that just remade it in 2000. but I’d really like you to take a swing at it.

“Wow, yeah, sure – is there anything special you want me to do with it?”

Hmmm, I’m thinking that I want you to remain pretty faithful to it. Oh, but in the bridge of the chorus, where I wrote it as 'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed, when it comes to lovin' me she's worst, but when it comes to being loved she's first, why don’t you just take out one of those lines at random, ok?

“Well, ok, that part always has sounded clogged to me anyway. Are you sure there’s not something else you want to tell me about why you want me to cover this song?”

Alright, Sheryl, I’ve gotta level with you. A few months ago I was flipping through the radio dial and I heard Rod Stewart singing this song, and the gravel in his voice combined with his sheer lack of talent has kept his version banging around in my skull like a sledgehammer in an origami pterodactyl. I really need you to wash that damn taste out of my mind. Can you do that for me?

“Sure, Cat.”

That’s great, I’ll have my people get in touch with your people – oh, and don’t tell anyone about that Behind the Music thing.

** Tom Spendlove humbly apologizes for offending any person of any faith, or of being too full of musical allusions. Lyrics stolen from www.catstevens.com.