Being mean, or short, or generally unresponsive to someone simply because they made you mad or fucked you over doesn’t help your state of mind at all.
I’ve found that inevitably you will need his or her help later that same day. And then you’re screwed, because you have recent history of being an ass, so whatever residual goodwill you had saved up at the beginning of the day is completely gone.
The Code of Hammurabi can’t really apply here – you take out my eye, and then at my first opportunity I will take your eye. But there’s a problem, because odds are good I’m going to need you to look at something for me later, and if you only have one eye then your depth perception’s going to be shot, and you’ll be useless to me.
This goes along with the underlying theory that keeps proving itself regarding general badmouthing. More than once in the last year, I’ve said something matter-of-factly shitty about the character of a person who was standing just over the wall from me. It’s hard to say whether or not said person actually heard me speak ill of them, but the possibility should be enough to make a thinking man hold his tongue when ill words and thoughts are attempting to escape out into the atmosphere.
If this means that when I think Bob from Purchasing is a dumbass, and a coworker asks my opinion of Bob that I should say “he’s a good guy” or “I haven’t really dealt with him very much” then so be it. Maybe the classic avoidance line “on a professional level, he seems to be good at what he does” would hold up, but there’s the glaring undertone that you think on a personal level he’s a fuckwit.
When, then, is it ok to utterly and completely badmouth someone that you’re sure totally deserves it? That’s a good question, and I can think of a few opportunities for localized mudslinging:
When the other person was on the phone in a far away location. If, for example, my Nemesis is calling me from Detroit I can hang the phone up, ceremoniously shove my middle finger at the phone in defiance, and then turn to my coworker and spew forth what an idiot my Nemesis is. There’s a downside in that any one of my other coworkers, or passersby can hear that I think he’s a doorknob, but I’m pretty sure that they’d agree with me. Conventional wisdom tells me that a doorknob is a doorknob is a doorknob, and nine people out of ten can recognize this. The tenth person, not recognizing the doorknobedness, is quite possibly a doorknob him or herself.
Go home and complain to your spouse. You can use as many cursewords and mother-jokes as you want when you’re discussing a coworker – she married you, after all, so she should know by now what a petty, vindictive little man you are. The worst possible thing that can happen is your wife meets the coworker at a party in six years, and she’s drunk, and she says “hey, my husband thinks you’re a total dickwipe who couldn’t tie a pair of Velcro tennisshoes” – it’s easy to damage control this because you say “hey, my wife drinks, and she talks; I can’t really control that” or “hey, she used to call me those names too, and now I get to sleep with her – maybe you’ve got a chance!” I’ve found that it’s much more fun to vent to your spouse about what a jackass someone is, and then wait for the work gathering to come when your wife can lean over to you and say “which one is Jim Wilson that you’re planning to slowly kill with a salad fork?” and then over the course of the evening you and your wife can mock the person from afar, or even from close if they don’t know you’re talking about them.
Talk about what a dillhole the person is, but in another language. It’s not too truly important that you’re fluent in another language, or even if you’re good enough to order a steak dinner and a giant stein of beer. Just figure out the cursewords and use them profusely regarding your target. Or find someone with another country (my office is amazingly multicultural, with representatives from Poland, China, Romania, Germany, France, and more…) As a last resort, make your own language up. You can tell someone they’re “truly a gogglezig among hethrubs, and I’d bet you’ll never have to worry about your fleebik because you won’t be using it.” I don’t think this will offend anyone, even a tried-and-true gogglezig, because it’s a harmless word I just made up that couldn’t possibly offend anyone, even if I know that in my head every time I say the word out loud I’m screaming the word “fuckhead” in my mind.
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